daily day devotional these

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Yesterday was such a day. I�left home early, at 9 am. Went to mexico city, arrived and decided to skip the first part of festival and went to visit some museums. Saw an orchid exposition, wow... I enjoyed looking at them and thinking what they would possibly feel by being so photographed and admired, just like rockstars I�suppose. Then saw a� great photo exhibition:�world press photo. Itapos;s amazing seeing how pictures really tell whatapos;s going on in the whole world. Many pictures that could simply be stills from any journeyman pictures documental. Amazing. Woo the wind is blowing so hard here as I write. I�am a bit battered... My neck hurts a bit from the headbanging at concert.

Anyways, my body got the chills ALL�over body when I saw a picture of Benazir Bhutto... And as I read the description of such photographs my whole body had goosebumps... Amazing. I saw the power of an image, something I hadnapos;t seen and had missed for such a long time.
Then saw an etching exposition and gave me many ideas of what to do later on with this technique, I�enjoyed... It was odd going to that concert alone and I realized:�hey I�donapos;t need to be with someone else at the moment. Then went back to the stadium where festival was taking place. I arrived there at 5 almost... I�ate and enjoyed walking around, looking at all the people- I decided to have fun. I had barely gone out to something like this in a long long time and so I enjoyed gettinginto the crowd and having some fun. Jumping, headbanging, I�felt just like when I was a teenager again. I kept thinking how I felt apos;olderapos; yesterday than probably 5 years ago when I used to get into moshpits and be banging against others lol, I was such a tough girl hehe... But I also enjoy the mellow me that is still able to go a bit nuts in concerts... Though the apos;feelingapos; isnapos;t the same. Itapos;s strange seeing that I didnapos;t feel like I used to, but merely expressed myself along with the music, I danced and flowed jumping up and down etc.

Though what I havenapos;t told you is that when I was heading to see the Flaming Lips live, I�found by apos;casualtyapos; A. He was alone in the moment and so we stood together the whole concert from that moment on. I enjoyed myself with him ouch my right foot is pinching OU lol around the heel. Well maybe itapos;s time to HEAL�this with him. We talked a bit, but mostly I�just enjoy being with him, just being, knowing heapos;s there. I�know we both created this actual apos;casualty0 moment because of wanting to see each other, going alone to that concert so thatapos;s what happened. Later on he found his other friends whom I also had met quite well in past and so it was odd facing them once again, they were all like apos;oh were have you been?�how are you?apos; etc, because I was always with A, all time. So I saw how they were apos;happyapos; to see me once again with him, though well, who knows what they might be thinking. It was weird when they were smoking some weed and wanted to share with me and A said:�nope, marlen doesnapos;t smoke anymore. Lol. Was cool. Being in the concert was also seeing other meapos;s around my age, what they are up to lately. Lol, I laughed a lot yet not in a critical way, but merely over hearing conversations and the way they dress.. What isnapos;t that coool is that they all drink a lot from the moment they get there and taking drugs and basically getting fucked up otherwise they canapos;t apos;enjoyapos; the moment. I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was very cool because I didnapos;t need anything else to really enjoy it.�

Well ... I�probably wanted to just hug A at times but heapos;s always been so apos;contentapos; with himself that Iapos;ve always suppressed me from doing this... Fearing or thinking.. Well.. What would he do, think if I did this. Heapos;s always been so free, maybe thatapos;s why I got so attached to him, wanting to taste his apos;freedomapos; in a way.

Though after chatting with M at the moment, I�see that to really let go is self acceptance, accepting what is here and how I donapos;t have to create a relationship in order to experience it as being apos;more meapos; because I see desires or possesion within this, which isnapos;t cool. I�went to see him, well I was just going to deliver some etching to his mailbox but he was playing and I�didnapos;t want to interrupt but I saw him and he went to open the door and so i got in and got to listen to his music. HOw I�missed listening to him playing his guitar, he obviously still plays, yet in a much lower volume thatapos;s why i didnapos;t get to hear while being at home. Well I�just got some comfort with Mapos;s chat towards this situation, I really was a bit intranquil with all of this compounding. I was explaining how Iapos;ve been wanting to cry or actually cried for the past three days. Lol I mean yesterday I wanted to cry over an orchid lol weird yet, true. Then just my desires, yes actual desier, to meet with A and how I had deemed it as almost apos;impossibleapos; being in such a huge place with thousands of people, yet Itapos;s as I�had been lead to the place where he was lol, was quite funny. He was also content of seeing me there.

Yet this crying situation I�see itapos;s because I havenapos;t allowed me to cry his death within me... I had suppressed this for so long, 7 months today and itapos;s weird how 7 months later I went to his house and experience myself with him again. I see how it was like opening a door I was merely holding from bursting out with water� by actually denying what I felt or what I though and making it seem as it all being ok. It isnapos;t/wasnapos;t so and everything just started pouring out the� moment of facing A again ,meaning:�begin the real facing of points

Another situation is the parent situation as they donapos;t like A at all and they donapos;t want me to be with him at all anymore, so I�cannot openly jus say;�hey iapos;m going to Aapos;s house be back later... Nope , not anymore. They think that Iapos;ve just erased him apos;like thatapos; from my life. HOw could it be so, it takes a certain amount of time to actually do this. It isnapos;t easy, specially with a relationship like that. . . And still it is a burden though, I cannot explain how I just eased myself with words being written, shared. Wow. Great deal.

So it all boils down to merely wanting to hold on to what never really was, to what isnapos;t here and to all that I created within myself as an external experience. I just have to give up to this and Iapos;ll be completely free.

Around this time of the year Iapos;ve always had, every year, certain changes within myself, mostly around oct. 21st... Sometimes it was meeting people, others was like planning a trip. I�donapos;t know really I just know that I�have to enjoy the moment and go releasing all those still existent threads to all that is past related. And to not take seeing A as a new created dependency or desire anymore. Itapos;s just not cool and would be a leap back that isnapos;t really even able to be given, as it doesnapos;t exist

I was explaining m. How I see like some rocks falling off from this cliff that I had secured and denied. Itapos;s weird I�know but I really hadnapos;t cried over him, and I hadnapos;t allow myself to feel that and so in suppressing and denying I�was more in the mind trying to apos;fix itapos; while the real deal wasnapos;t it so

I donapos;t know if you watched this apos;orchid thiefapos; movie Adaptation because meryl streepapos;s role I identified with. Meeting someone that completely makes you go out of your established roles and just fall for someone that shows you how to be so apos;togetherapos; wirh himself by being what he wants to be, doing what he wants to do, etc. Itapos;s quite what I felt with A, admiring and desiring to be with him because of experiencing freedom. Actually we were talking yesterday about the sky and I said how I�havenapos;t been in cholula in a long time... And itapos;s true since I apos;left himapos; and so I�see that Iapos;ve probably apos;missedapos; a lot, more than I�have realized, Though I�know that nothing will ever be the same and here is when I have to come to accept this, this is the apos;real facingapos; the real deal, this just is the way it is and nothingapos;s coming back. Thatapos;s what must be lived and realized.... Stop all desires to be with him and all attempts to apos;recreateapos; what isnapos;t here anymore.

So yes, my fellow mates, itapos;s been quite a tough facing moment for me these days....and I donapos;t want to live in fear of not being able to go out with him because of being apos;prohitibtedapos; for me. THatapos;s another deal that i have to face and letapos;s see how it actually happens and develops.

For now I think this is it. I slept 4 hours and I feel like I�need to sleep more. I�jumped up and down for hours and walked and ran, lol too much physical activity for one day besides waking up at 6 and going to bed at 4
Iapos;m sure Iapos;ll write more on this.

As for now, any comments, suggestions, leave it here with your name on it.... Thanks



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